Dating

It is no surprise to me that a break out musical hit this year is called “Apologizes.” OneRepublic made the subject of this power ballad a verb that most Americans do not fully understand. And yet I suspect most of us want to hear more apologies. Unfortunately, due to deep seeded psychological behavior like confirmation bias, the trend to search for evidence that validates a preconceived belief or opinion and to look over evidence that contradicts that belief or opinion, we often choose stubborn retrenchment over a simple and mutually beneficial apology.

Let me pose some hypothetical situations to help us test whether an apology is generally a sign of weakness or a responsible reaction to new facts or conclusions.

• What if Bill Clinton just apologized to the American people for having an extramarital affair instead of starting a semantic debate about the definition of “is”? I believe Slick Willy would have saved a lot of flack from late night comedians if he had just owned up to his mistakes and declared he would devote the rest of his presidency to helping Americans deal with addictions of all sorts - drugs, alcohol, sex, fatty foods, shopping, oil, etc.
• What if Roger Clemens just apologized for using steroids? (I recognize he has not been prosecuted yet for steroids, but take this leap of faith with me). He could have become part of a new movement to clean up sports. Instead we are bogging ourselves down in scandal after scandal - including his wife admitting to taking steroids for a Sports Illustrated shoot.
• What if I apologized to my sister when I was 10 and rolled out a rubber ball in her running path, causing her to need stitches, instead of vigorously blaming her for running in the house? Well, sis, I am sorry. And you have always been smarter than me (despite my five years on you), so maybe this accident gave you accelerated brain activity.

Most of us believe we need to be right, otherwise we are dumb and gullible. I wholeheartedly disagree. A sincere apology can go a long way in showing others our capacity to swallow our pride and do what is right.

The classic tale of romance, Love Story, tells us that love is never having to say you are sorry. Oh contrare, love is having the courage to admit mistakes and say you are sorry.

I won’t apologize for this point of view that recognizes our fallibility and emphasizes the power of forgiveness. But if you prove me wrong, I will apologize.

In a highly acclaimed song from the movie True Crime, artist Diana Krall poses the question “why should I care?” I reference this song partly because I want to answer the question “why should we care about storytelling and personal branding” and partly because True Crime is a highly underrated movie that proves Clint Eastwood is as good a director as he is an actor.

The concept of personal branding has been around since 1997 when management guru Tom Peters penned an article in Fast Company Magazine, The Brand Called You, arguing we have entered an era where we are all CEO’s of Me Inc. Essentially, globalization and technological innovation put the nail in the coffin of the social compact between employees and employers. Now we are all free agents as companies routinely “re-organize” and employees switch careers. Career counselors estimate those in generation “y” and beyond will change jobs, on average, nine times. This trend makes it virtually impossible to accurately answer the cocktail party question, what do you do? You do lots of things and will do lots more over your career.

Professionally, the return on investment (ROI) for taking the time to decipher your own story and understand the concepts of personal branding is the ability to show how your disparate skills, passions and personality traits make you a free agent worth bidding for.

While many have written about the professional advantages of personal branding, few have delved into the personal advantages of personal branding (given that personal is in the name of the concept, this is a shame). Did you know studies have shown that the average 26 year old woman has been hit on 5,000 times? It is no wonder it is so difficult to meet someone given the competition for companionship. If we take the time to understand what emotional needs we can fulfill for someone else, we will have a much easier time in finding someone we can build chemistry with.

Personally, the ROI of developing and telling your story is the ability to show, in a couple of minutes, how you have a combination of traits, passions and skills to help another person be happy.

I believe it would be a true crime for you to miss out on this opportunity to develop a compelling and interesting personal story. Come on I know you are as good a director as Clint Eastwood.

Do you believe the hype? I am always up for a good debate. Let me know honestly what you think.

This past Monday I had the pleasure of speaking on a panel to discuss the major issues men and women face in dating in the city. The sold out event, sponsored by Moxieinthecity.net, was unique in its ability to get the sexes to talk together in an open fashion. Usually we just complain to our same-sex friends.

I used my time to outline my view that there are three phases to building a relationship: attraction, rapport and romance. I believe the key to “not screwing up” is to recognize what phase you are in with the other person and act accordingly. As an example, if you are still in the attraction phase refrain from asking deep questions about the person’s past. Sometimes you can breeze through each phase in a matter of days or weeks. Sometimes it takes months or years to go from flirty attraction to serious romance.

The crowd of nearly 60 got into a constructive town-hall style discussion, at times heated, and laid (pun intended) out the top obstacles to finding love in this city of 8 million people.

- Who pays the bill on the first date? - May seem like a trivial detail, but this is a major signal of interest.

- Who makes the first physical move? - Generally, the audience agreed the man should make the first move. However, men begged women to give clearer signals (”green lights”) of what they want and when they want it.

- Do women hurt the chances of having a relationship by having sex on the first date? - This question caused an uproar with men and women at odds over the moral (Is it ok under any circumstances?), psychological (Does the man see the woman as a slut?) and tangible (Will the man call back after he “got what he wanted”?) implications of sex so soon. With palpable intensity in the room, one guy broke the tension with a memorable line, “men want love also, but they are willing to get laid on the way.”

While none of these questions resulted in clear one-size-fits-all answers, there was one consensus that emerged from the group. Most of the men and the women in the room agreed that your decisions on dates should be based on what is congruent with your values, personality and beliefs. Or as I say, “if you try hard, you die hard.” Men and women can see through false moves made purely to lure the other.

So whether you are living “Sex and the City” or are working two shifts in the city that never sleeps, the same holds true for dating - you must be comfortable with yourself before you can be comfortable with someone else.