This past Monday I had the pleasure of speaking on a panel to discuss the major issues men and women face in dating in the city. The sold out event, sponsored by Moxieinthecity.net, was unique in its ability to get the sexes to talk together in an open fashion. Usually we just complain to our same-sex friends.
I used my time to outline my view that there are three phases to building a relationship: attraction, rapport and romance. I believe the key to “not screwing up” is to recognize what phase you are in with the other person and act accordingly. As an example, if you are still in the attraction phase refrain from asking deep questions about the person’s past. Sometimes you can breeze through each phase in a matter of days or weeks. Sometimes it takes months or years to go from flirty attraction to serious romance.
The crowd of nearly 60 got into a constructive town-hall style discussion, at times heated, and laid (pun intended) out the top obstacles to finding love in this city of 8 million people.
- Who pays the bill on the first date? - May seem like a trivial detail, but this is a major signal of interest.
- Who makes the first physical move? - Generally, the audience agreed the man should make the first move. However, men begged women to give clearer signals (”green lights”) of what they want and when they want it.
- Do women hurt the chances of having a relationship by having sex on the first date? - This question caused an uproar with men and women at odds over the moral (Is it ok under any circumstances?), psychological (Does the man see the woman as a slut?) and tangible (Will the man call back after he “got what he wanted”?) implications of sex so soon. With palpable intensity in the room, one guy broke the tension with a memorable line, “men want love also, but they are willing to get laid on the way.”
While none of these questions resulted in clear one-size-fits-all answers, there was one consensus that emerged from the group. Most of the men and the women in the room agreed that your decisions on dates should be based on what is congruent with your values, personality and beliefs. Or as I say, “if you try hard, you die hard.” Men and women can see through false moves made purely to lure the other.
So whether you are living “Sex and the City” or are working two shifts in the city that never sleeps, the same holds true for dating - you must be comfortable with yourself before you can be comfortable with someone else.
